Intro
One of the most puzzling things about being human is how we deal with kindness. A lot of people are great at offering a helping hand, supporting those in need, and giving generously. But we’re pretty bad at two things: accepting kindness from others and from ourselves.
Think about it: when was the last time you did something kind for a friend, family member, or a random person on the street? You’ll probably remember an example pretty quickly. Perhaps you listened to a friend vent about a rough day, or maybe you held the door for someone at the bar. But what if I asked: when was the last time you did something kind for yourself? How does that compare?
If you’re struggling to answer that question, you’re not alone. Many of us are great at giving so much to the people we love but find it hard to do the same for ourselves. I’m no exception. I often find myself supporting those close to me, whether it’s lending an ear or offering advice. However, I struggle with internalizing negative and destructive thoughts in healthy ways, which leads to cycles of replaying these thoughts and questioning my worth and value. I can spend hours talking with a close friend about life and offering support, but I find it tough to manage my dark thoughts when they inevitably creep up.
So, what gives? If we’re so good at being kind to others, why is it so hard to do the same for ourselves? I don’t have all the answers, and the ones I’ve come up with might not be perfect, but questioning this is important because I genuinely believe that self-compassion is a solid foundation for growth in many other areas of life.
What the hell even is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and support during times of failure, pain, or difficulty, rather than being self-critical or harsh. It means allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling, giving yourself a break, and doing something nice for yourself, like going out for a coffee, taking a walk, or talking to friends.
Imagine coming home from work stressed because a task you thought would take two hours ended up taking five or six. Now your workload is backed up, and you have to push some tasks to the following week. You’ve experienced this a few times, and it starts to make you question your ability to perform well at work. This spiral of delay has led you into a harmful and distressing pattern of thoughts, where you question your self-worth, value, and competence at your job.
Self-compassion means pausing, recognizing you’re stressed, allowing yourself to feel upset and exhausted, and reminding yourself that it’s okay. It also involves doing something nurturing for yourself now that you’re home; something that reenergizes and recharges you, like reading, going for a walk, or treating yourself to your favorite restaurant. Essentially, it’s about doing whatever fills your cup.
What might actually happen is you come home, beat yourself up for feeling stressed and exhausted, and then try to distract yourself by scrolling through your phone. But those thoughts don’t really go away. No matter what you do, you can’t shake off those insecurities and bad vibes. You push yourself to make dinner, catch up on some house chores, and then just hope you can sleep off the rough day.
I’ve usually found myself relating to that second scenario. After a stressful day, all I really want to do is eat, shower, crawl into bed, and watch something on my tablet before falling asleep. However, practicing self-compassion has started to guide me towards a healthier direction.
Society’s lack of self-compassion
It won’t come as a shock to anyone, but society still sucks when it comes to managing mental health. Sure, we’ve made some progress in recent years, especially considering the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on mental health, but overall, we’re still not hitting the mark on some fundamental issues that I’ve yet to see widely discussed. There are several reasons why society struggles to embrace self-compassion. As we navigate mental health in society, we need to recognize that embracing self-compassion is a key part of the change.
1. We don’t promote self-compassion
Rarely are we encouraged to celebrate ourselves. Most marketing, advertisements, and a lot of what we see on social media focus on doing something nice for others. While that’s wonderful, and I wholeheartedly support being kind to friends and family who definitely deserve it, I’d like to see more encouragement for us to prioritize our own well-being and embrace ourselves, no matter what we’re going through. Kindness is often portrayed as someone doing something nice for another person, but it’s rare to hear about someone who’s struggling, does something kind for themselves, and as a result, sees a noticeable boost in their mood.
2. We Think of Selfishness as inherently bad
When someone uses the word “selfish,” we usually think of someone who has little to no regard for other people. We’ve leaned so heavily into this common depiction of selfishness as shallow, inconsiderate, and unfeeling that we forget to consider our own needs. It’s a word that has been twisted to the point where it no longer leaves room for the idea of prioritizing our own well-being. There’s a big difference between chasing a lifelong dream, like pursuing a career in music, and intentionally harming or disregarding others for your own gain, like stepping over people at work just to get ahead.
3. We don’t talk about the real issues
A big part of the human experience is learning how to talk about the things that truly bother us. A lot of people struggle with being vulnerable. That might come from fear of judgment, or simply not having the words to explain what they’re feeling. Still, the truth is that many of our deepest thoughts end up sitting in our minds, festering for years. That’s what makes managing them so difficult. Having hard conversations isn’t something most people are good at, and it’s gotten to the point where we rarely even acknowledge that this is happening. We don’t talk openly about what people are really thinking and feeling. That’s why it’s still such a stigmatized subject. It’s easier to talk about not getting along with someone at work and the stress that comes with it than to talk about the traumatic experiences we may have had as kids that still affect us as adults.
How do I embrace self-compassion?
This is a loaded question, because the truth is, there are countless ways to embrace self-compassion, and what works for me might look different from what works for you or anyone else. Many of these practices overlap with broader aspects of mental health, and there’s no way to cover them all in one post. Some of these may not seem intuitive or comfortable to try, and that’s okay. Embracing self-compassion isn’t easy, and I still feel uncomfortable practicing it at times. But repetition is key, and it does get easier with each day I do it. So, let’s dive in.
1. Talk out loud to yourself
No, seriously, just bear with me for a second. Earlier, I talked about how spiraling internally can trap us in a negative mindset. That cycle of self-criticism feeds into itself, making us feel stuck. So how do you break out of it? By talking. Usually, we think of talking as something we do with other people. You’ve probably noticed that after stewing in your head for hours, a simple conversation can help you feel better. That’s because speaking out loud challenges the thoughts you’ve been brewing.
The key is to start doing this on your own. Find a private spot and talk out loud. Say how you feel, why you think you feel that way, and remind yourself that it’s okay. You’re a human being going through something hard.
It might feel weird at first. If you live with others, it might feel too vulnerable. But honestly, if it sounds like you’re talking to someone, your roommates probably won’t think twice. They’ll likely assume you’re on the phone with a friend. And in a way, you are. You’re just talking to yourself. You’ll validate your feelings, understand the ‘why,’ and may even uncover something new instead of remaining stuck in that cycle of negativity.
Try doing it a little each day, even when things are good. Talk through why they’re good, what you did to help make that happen, and remind yourself that you did a great job. This all comes down to something I call being your own friend. It might not feel natural at first, but you owe it to yourself to care for your own well-being, just like you would for someone you love.
2. Find hobbies that make you happy
This one isn’t as straightforward, because it takes some trial and error. But finding activities that make you feel reenergized is an essential part of maintaining good mental health. It’s all about exploring what brings you joy and continuing to seek out the things that make you feel genuinely happy.
Maybe it’s something art-related like drawing, playing an instrument, or building crafts with your hands. Maybe it’s settling into a comfy bean bag chair with a good book. Or it could be something social, like going wine tasting with friends.
For me, I really like to sing. I find it super helpful to use my voice to express myself, and singing along with my favorite songs is a powerful way to decompress. Sometimes, just putting on a 2000s/2010s pop playlist and singing along with Bruno Mars, Usher, and Maroon 5 does the trick. My neighbors might not feel the same way, but hey, it works for me! I jam out for about 15-20 minutes, let myself recharge, then jump back into what I was doing before, whether it’s work, a personal project, or paying bills.
3. Leverage your support system
I know how easy it is to shut down during periods of high stress. I’m someone who struggles with this often. When I’m overwhelmed, I tend to shut down emotionally, feel guilty about it, worry about burdening others with my stress, and end up staying inward. But like I mentioned earlier, fully internalizing your struggles just feeds those dark thoughts and makes everything harder.
I really encourage you to walk that line as best you can. Give yourself space to sit with what you’re feeling. Practice self-validation. But also remember that your friends and family care about you. They want to see you happy. They want the best for you. So it’s completely okay to reach out. It’s about practicing self-compassion while nurturing meaningful relationships with your loved ones.
Remember that it’s not one or the other. You don’t have to choose between being there for yourself and letting others be there for you. Both are important, and both work together. Being kind to yourself and recognizing your own needs creates space for you to connect more openly with the people who care about you.
I know the guilt that comes with thinking you’re burdening the people around you. I spent years pulling away from some amazing connections I had made. But once I started reaching out again, I found that people were just as happy to talk, listen, and pick up where we left off. Not because they felt obligated, but because they genuinely cared.
The unfortunate truth is that if there are people in your life who aren’t willing to support you, they may not deserve a place in it. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong, and it doesn’t always mean they did either. Sometimes people just aren’t able or willing to show up in the way you need, and that’s okay. The focus should be on finding the people who will stand in your corner, while also learning to stand in your own.
4. Be patient with yourself
We tend to be too hard on ourselves. But progress isn’t linear. You’re going to have good days and bad days. The bad days don’t mean you’re failing, they just mean you’re human. Taking time to sit with yourself and practice some of these things is already a sign of real progress.
You might not feel like you’ve come very far, but I promise, you’re capable of going the distance. It’s not about where you were or even where you are right now. It’s about where you’re headed. If you invest in yourself, even for just a month, you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come. And that’s a win worth celebrating.
5. Take a break!
I can’t stress this enough. Give yourself time and space to just enjoy life. It’s important to be intentional about practicing these techniques to support your mental health, but you deserve a break, damn it. Take that mental health day. Go for that walk. Buy that iced latte. I promise, the world will still be here when you’re ready to take it on. Taking a break is not only about recharging; it’s an act of self-compassion that helps prevent burnout and gives you a fresh perspective when you’re ready to dive back in.
Closing thoughts
Kindness is something we’re often comfortable showing to others, but not ourselves. By practicing techniques like externalizing through talking to ourselves, exploring hobbies, leaning on our support systems, being patient with ourselves, and taking breaks, we can make a huge difference in how we view ourselves and how we feel. These practices not only boost our moods but also put us in a better position to accomplish great things.
I hope some of this helped put things into perspective and made you feel seen and heard. I also hope it gave you some insight into who I am, my values, and how I see the world. But most importantly, I hope what you take away from this is the belief that you are more than capable of working through your struggles, no matter what they are. You absolutely deserve to be reminded that you are allowed to feel how you feel and that you can get through this. We can get through this together.
I truly believe these practices are crucial for cultivating healthy relationships, balancing self-reflection with externalization, and understanding how they intersect with other aspects of life. Much of what I’ve covered here deserves its own posts, so be sure to check back for more. There’s so much more to discuss!
